Mixed feelings in one (weak) soul
I’m going to write down everything I feel right now.
Anxious. Looking around the fierce is… something for me. Ambitious in people’s eyes immediately made me feel like shrinking. I’m not brave enough to start some new challenges in life. It’s like I was set to stone to just continue what I’ve been doing for the past boring years.
I wanted to be indifferent, but I can’t. The track with their footsteps obviously flamed before my eyes.
I don’t think this place is suitable for me. So, what? I’m just here sitting to absorb all the emotion … with envy in the first place. I’m not good enough even for catching up. I’m too slow-paced which doesn’t match where I am.
Actually, these pitiful thoughts have existed eversince I started the journey. But deep inside I was always a denial gripey. By the more time I spent, the more I realized that I don’t really enjoy things, yet I’m just trying to love things.
Then it brings up sorrow. Feeling left behind nurture the slump to constantly roar in me. Am I going to stay here forgotten? Everything is like in the distance out of reach.
But maybe I’ve been thinking too much lately. Maybe.
It is bitter seeing myself drown in such a foolish conclusion when I perceive of its sore.
Get well soon, I guess.
In love. I know it sounds surreal to feel all these opposite emotions at the same time.
This one is pretty exhausting (in a good way). One in a million time I truly deeply accept this emotion. Smile, butterflies, warmth and excitement abruptly built up every time I feel this way.
There’s one specific man who’s responsible of this case.
Hence, I often shift my attention from what I troubled about to what butterflies feels like. It’s like magic. The sorrow suddenly disappeared.
But magic is illegal, right? It’s only for a moment, it will come back for free bringing the unpleasant flakes that still left behind.
Grateful. Beside the sharp feelings, I’m still very grateful, God still gives me the chance and pleasure to carefully feel how awfully amazing these emotions are. It is contradictory, but at least I still have chances. I’m convinced about this.
I really want to carry out my duties as an observant human while fighting all the wicked desires caused by these emotions — even though it’s uneasy. And I am very weak; wanting in moral strength, courage, or will. I am just a human except for His help.
So, I assure gratitude is one of the best ways to overcome the unhappiness. I believe it will pave the way to His mercy and hope.
May God always protect us.
I want to get out of this abstract zone immediately, even just one step away.
But I … confused. Where should I start over?
09.33 PM | Cairo, November 30th, 2023.
